Monday, February 2, 2009

All the random thoughts......

First, off my chocolate milk from the cafeteria tasted like Kaluha this morning. I kinda dug it.

Okay onto the important things:

Religion - We have been in this True(ish) series for the last three weeks. And it has really spoke to me in many ways. But two things have stuck out more than the others. Such as "If it makes me happy then it must be right" What was said about this statement concerning jobs has stopped me and made me re-examine things. Craig said it bothered him when people said they wanted a new job or to go back to school because they were unhappy in their jobs. I got the impression he doesn't condone this action because when they don't have a plan it will cause more pain in the end. Well, I want to change my job. I do not see myself teaching for the rest of my life. I would like to go back to school and become a pharmacist, what I wanted to do before I changed to teaching. Now, I am putting more and more doubts in my head. Should I stick to teaching because I already have job and I'm making money? What if I become unahppy in pharmacy? What if I fail and can't hack pharmacy school? What if I moved schools, would that change my mind? What if? What if? What if? See, I'm stuck. In a huge teach/pharmacy rut.
The second statement that has stuck with me, is "There is only one path to God." That doesn't sit well with me. I understand that with all the different religions out there, that one has to be correct and they all can't be the right path to God. But what about my individual journey to God? Yes, I acknowledge that it was taken me quite a while to find my way. Also, I know my path is littered on both sides with sin and mistakes that I have made in my past, and some mistakes that I'm still making. But does that mean my path is less important than an individual that found God earlier with far less sin. Also, I am a very reserved person when it comes to praise. Just look at me during the worship. I am standing there, tapping my foot and only mouthing the words to the songs (Trust me, I won't be trying out for American Idol anytime soon). I am in awe of the individuals who can raise their hands, jump up and down, and dance. I just can't bring myself to do those things. Does that mean I don't love God as much as these others? Is my path to God the wrong path because it's taken me so long to get there? I love going to church. I love listening to the discussion about God in my day to day life. I am ready to make God and his teachings the way I live my life. I guess I am just to tainted that I'm not allowed to. And what if I fall off the bandwagon again? Will He lose faith in me? Will He look down at me and just sigh? Will He send my case file to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes? These thoughts consume me when I leave church. I love going, but I still feel dirty when I'm there. Will I ever become pure in my faith or will my past constantly haunt me? See, so many questions!

Onto things in society that has started to bug me:

This situation bothers me for several reasons. And I'll comment on the insanity of this situation later.

Matt Lauer's Interview with Obama.
It was on the Today show this morning and I only got to see a little bit of it. I want to know everything about Obama's first 100 days in office. I'm obsessed with it. To me this is history and I'm a huge part of it and my knowledge about his actions and what he thinks about things are extremely interesting to me. I can't help it.

The SuperBowl
I'm a huge sports fan. Huge! But I missed the big game, and I'm not even torn up about it. That's saying something.

OSU Football season tickets.
We aren't renewing my dad's season tickets for the fall. Saying another little good-bye. And this one hurts. Alot. I can't imagine someone else sitting in those seats. My dad has had those since before I started college. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. Losing those seats is losing another part of his life. At least I can still have a shot at Stonewall's for him. That tradition will never die. "You are my daughter, and you will drink." -Dad. I miss you.

Okay, I think I'm done for now.


  1. Oh I Love This! I promise to take time to answer your questions my love b/c I think you are about to be enlightened! : p (Yes, StephyB can enlighten, a little! hehe) LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

  2. Dude, if you're heart isn't in teaching, then don't stay. It's too hard of a career if you are not INTO it. I think it's awesome you want to be a pharmacist.

    Pray about it. I promise, things get more clear when you pray.

    As for the worship number...

    I don't do well worshiping in song. If I were to raise my hands or clap or whatnot during "worship"... it wouldn't be sincere. So I don't do it. I'm not comfortable. Music isn't my outlet for worship. It's just not. I'm not having that holy of an experience that some people have. And I honestly don't think I ever will.

    When do I feel like I'm worshiping? Service. I feel like my "song" for God is when I'm teaching. My "dance" for God is when I am doing what He has equipped me to do- having compassion for others.

    Also study is a big one for me. I feel so into God when I actually sit down with the word and dive into it. When I learn the history behind the words- oh... that's my nirvana with God. It may sound so silly- but that's me.

    Journaling is another way I can worship God. I can write my own psalms, or poems or letters...

    Music isn't the only way.

    Also- you're not dirty. Since I'm a nerd who loves to study we can do a run down of all the dirty people that were used by Jesus. Since you're an academic like me- study the disciples. Seriously. Jesus didn't pick pretty Pharisees who never "sinned" or obeyed the law.

    Another guy- David. Love that guy! A guy after God's own heart... who was an adulterer.

    The more I get to know Jesus the more I realize He gets me. Jesus didn't play. He wasn't afraid to get in people's faces. He told it like it is- just like you and me.

    Does it mean you don't love God as much? No... in fact I think the fact you and I have a bit of a "colorful" past brings us closer to Him. Grace is real. And if you have never strayed, how could you ever explain that to anyone?

    My advice to you- just come to God with a sincere heart and that's what you are already doing. God doesn't want someone who is raising their hands and showing off what an awesome Christian they are. (in fact, give me a bit and I'll find you some verses to back that).

    God wants honesty. And sincerity. Read David's psalms... I swear I love that guy. He comes at God with such pure honesty.

    Bottom line is: God wants all of us to bring Glory to His name. What better way to do that then to come clean and say- Look. I deserve nothing, but He gave me everything anyway. Look what's He's done with me. And who cares if your hands aren't up in church? Is your heart open? God sees that. And that's the only audience you're singing for.

    I love you Mary!

  3. This is an old email that used to circulate. But it's true.

    The next time you feel like GOD can’t use you, just remember…

    * Noah was a drunk
    * Abraham was too old
    * Isaac was a daydreamer
    * Jacob was a liar
    * Leah was ugly
    * Joseph was abused
    * Moses had a stuttering problem
    * Gideon was afraid
    * Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
    * Rahab was a prostitute
    * Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
    * David had an affair and was a murderer
    * Elijah was suicidal
    * Isaiah preached naked
    * Jonah ran from God
    * Naomi was a widow
    * Job went bankrupt
    * Peter denied Christ
    * The Disciples fell asleep while praying
    * Martha worried about everything
    * The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
    * Zaccheus was too small
    * Paul was too religious
    * Timothy had an ulcer…
    * AND Lazarus was dead!