For the past two days I have been stuck into this huge deep sadness/fog. I don't know what brought it on, but I have a feeling I've been running from it and it finally caught up with me.
These past two months are extremely emotional for me. Just thinking back on what all has happened in the past year. I knew this time was going to be rough so I was really good at keeping busy. Busy enought to not let February 13th bother me. In fact, I was lucky enough to share that horrible day with my besties at the ballet and hanging out. I thought on the 22nd I would be too busy driving to and from Tulsa to keep my mind off what was so important for the day. Well, it didn't work. Being in the car that I had made so many trips to Houston, I was just barely strong enough to not cry so hard that my car was all over the road. But all this running didn't help.
At first the sadness started to seep in when I saw how others in my family dealt with. My step-mom ran away to Michigan, my sister acknowledged the day and said Happy Birthday anyway, my step-sister wrote that she was sad. I just ignored it. At first it felt like I was numb to everything. Then my heart grew heavy, broken in many pieces that just clumped together and added guilt to my soul. I still thought that I could fight it though. I kept perservering to the next task. But, then everything ran out. Exhaustion hit. I felt it grab me by my ankles and start dragging me down. It was so hard to get up in the morning, harder making it through the day, even harder to do anything once I entered my apartment. I just gave into it. I caved. I don't understand how the hollowness I feel inside is so heavy to carry on the outside.
I'm trying to suffer through it. Yesterday I slept for almost twelve hours. I didn't feel any better when I woke up though. I can't sleep through it. So my next tactic is to clean it out. Clean out all the sadness and clutter that is in my life. I'm going to start with my car, move on to my downstairs, my closet, my classroom, and then I'm going to start on the hard clutter. The clutter in my heart and in my life around me. If I'm not getting better by ignoring it, I'm going to try cleaning it. This heartache and sadness might follow me for the rest of my life. Its my responsibilty to confront it and control it.