Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I lost my karma.

I bought a necklace two weeks after my dad died last April. It's a Dogeared necklace. It has a silver small circle on a silver ball chain. It's the Karma Power bead. I bought it at The Wooden Nickel in Stillwater the weekend of the Calf-Fry 2008. I love it. It was a symbol of everything I needed to understand at the time. Karma - "What goes around, comes around."

I wear it all the time. It's in all my pictures from the first summer without my dad to the first time I went back to church. It was there when my best friend was baptized and when I dedicated my life to Christ. It has been admired by many friends, students, and babies. It is my nervous tick. When I am thinking heavily about something, nervous, trying to look coy, I reach for my "karma".

I left it twice. Once, at a guy's apartment. Along with many other things. It was the only thing I fought to get back. I called him, asked him about it. Bugged my friend to go get it. And 24 hours later, it was back on my naked neck. The other time, was during the holidays. I left it at my step-mom's house and my sister brought it back to me two days later. Besides those three days, I have always had that necklace.

It rests on my neck, while the significance rests in my heart. It lays on my nightstand while I dream at night. It shines on my vanity while I shower. It is the reason of this blog's title. I joked to my friend the other day about retiring it.

Well, it decided to retire itself. I set it aside at a friend's house over Spring Break and it has disappeared. Trust me, I have looked frantically in every crook and cranny of all of my three bags.

I have lost my "karma".

Monday, March 23, 2009

Is it rude?

Okay, so I e-mailed a lady from OSU about talking to her about pharmacy school two weeks ago. I haven't heard anything back. Would it be terribly rude to call her? Should I be discouraged? I'm trying not to let it get me down, but I can't help it. I had such high hopes and now I feel like her silence is telling me that I'm not going to be good enough for pharmacy school. But that's just silly talk. Right?

Friday, March 6, 2009

What I have to confess

I know the reason behind my fog. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. It's all my fault.

The reason my fog got so bad was because I thought I was better. Meaning, I was having so many great days in a row, in fact so many great days in just a few months, I thought I could forgo the medications. Turns out, I can't. I think everyone was right. I'm going to be battling with depression for a long time.

When I was first put on the medicine, I felt completely numb to things. Like my emotions were corralled into a part of my soul I wasn't able to reach. But, after a few months I was able to express the correct emotion when it needed. I was laughing more, smiling more, and getting way much better sleep. I confused these things for getting better. No, the medicine is helping me live my life.

I have gotten so much flack for being on antidepressents. And I think it is unfair. I am a complete basket case on my own. My body is out of whack. It's like if you have a kidney disease do you take medicine for it? Yes. If you have a headache, do you take medicine? Yes. Does anyone ever look down their nose and look at you like you failed for taking it? No. But when you are mentally sick and you take medicine for it, people do those things. I would like to switch them places. So they can see the difference one little pill makes me. I'm not sick, you won't catch it, but I can, again, control it. Luckily some doctor out there understood and gave us this amazing drug therapy. I don't think any less of myself for taking help offered for anything. I have been back on the medicine for three days, and WOW! I see differences in everything I do. My attitude in the classroom, my plans for things, my sleeping patterns. Again, I'm living a life instead of it living itself for me.

So, I confess. I'm on antidepressants and they allow me to be the person you know.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

New Plan of Attack on Sadness

For the past two days I have been stuck into this huge deep sadness/fog. I don't know what brought it on, but I have a feeling I've been running from it and it finally caught up with me.

These past two months are extremely emotional for me. Just thinking back on what all has happened in the past year. I knew this time was going to be rough so I was really good at keeping busy. Busy enought to not let February 13th bother me. In fact, I was lucky enough to share that horrible day with my besties at the ballet and hanging out. I thought on the 22nd I would be too busy driving to and from Tulsa to keep my mind off what was so important for the day. Well, it didn't work. Being in the car that I had made so many trips to Houston, I was just barely strong enough to not cry so hard that my car was all over the road. But all this running didn't help.

At first the sadness started to seep in when I saw how others in my family dealt with. My step-mom ran away to Michigan, my sister acknowledged the day and said Happy Birthday anyway, my step-sister wrote that she was sad. I just ignored it. At first it felt like I was numb to everything. Then my heart grew heavy, broken in many pieces that just clumped together and added guilt to my soul. I still thought that I could fight it though. I kept perservering to the next task. But, then everything ran out. Exhaustion hit. I felt it grab me by my ankles and start dragging me down. It was so hard to get up in the morning, harder making it through the day, even harder to do anything once I entered my apartment. I just gave into it. I caved. I don't understand how the hollowness I feel inside is so heavy to carry on the outside.

I'm trying to suffer through it. Yesterday I slept for almost twelve hours. I didn't feel any better when I woke up though. I can't sleep through it. So my next tactic is to clean it out. Clean out all the sadness and clutter that is in my life. I'm going to start with my car, move on to my downstairs, my closet, my classroom, and then I'm going to start on the hard clutter. The clutter in my heart and in my life around me. If I'm not getting better by ignoring it, I'm going to try cleaning it. This heartache and sadness might follow me for the rest of my life. Its my responsibilty to confront it and control it.