So, I had a major weekend with my God last weekend. In fact, He is still amazing me today with all that He is showing me in my life. The weekend didn't start out well. I was facing a mini-spiritual battle. I was about to leave on a retreat to learn how to be a small group leader for students when I was doubting my ability to do my job, as a teacher! I was just down and didn't know how I would make it through.
Well, when we got to the camp, I was already in a better mood because of the people. They are always ready to talk and are smiling and just so happy to be there that its contagious! I love being a part of Switch. When we walked into the center for all our meetings, there was butcher paper placed up with sins written at the top then tons of empty space. My heart dropped. I just knew we were going to have write our names under the sins that we had/currently suffered from. Those words just jumped out at me. I was literally going to have to face my sins. Admit them in front of people that I wanted to keep as my friends. People that I don't want to lose because of my past mistakes. I was terrified that my name would jump out of that sheet, point a finger at me, and laugh. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't.
We all gathered around the stage and had amazing worship. I felt completely connected with the group. I wasn't afraid to lift my hand and move my hips with the music. It felt natural. It felt amazing! After a couple of songs, sure enough, we were given the instructions to write our names and names of students or friends that we know that had suffered or currently battling right now. My sins, the actual spelling of them, were looming in front of my face. I thought about them. Thought about how much I have hidden in the past. I realized I had to confess. This would be my first step in changing. Admitting my mistakes to the world so I can be healed and live my life like God wants.
The group broke apart and many were so comfortable in their journeys they could freely write their names under their past. My past wasn't that long ago. One person was able to write her name under addictions and give date of her last cigarette and drink. It was over three years ago. My sin happened two months ago! I tapped the tip of my sharpie against my palm as I slowly walked to my sin. I kept watching these wonderful people write their names, their stories, their students under these words: Eating Disorders, Addictions, Drugs, Low Self-Esteem, Absent Father, Alcohol, Pride....Divorce/Broken Home. They gave me courage and hope to complete this task.
My word was at the farthest end. Other people had already written things under it. This word has defined me for so much of my life, I hated it. What in the world was I going to write under.... Promiscuity? How can I put into the words the shame I feel when I think about how many people I had been with? How do I write the heartbreak that I felt after every time? How do I describe the depression of thinking this is how to get him to love me and then watch him change his mind so fast? How do I write the guilt of this act, and doing it again to get over the last time? I finally was right in front of my spot on the paper. Placing my marker on the paper, I wrote the only thing that was running through my mind, "I kept losing pieces of myself every time I thought I was finding the piece that would make me whole. Mary." Placing the cap back on my marker and taking a step back, I finally let go of what was holding me back from growing in my relationship with God.
People have so many different reasons why girls can be promiscuous. I have been told that its because I came from a broken home and I was searching for love that my dad didn't give me. Umm, no. Yes, my parents are divorced, but me and my sisters were always loved. Some say it's because of peer pressure. I can see this, but sadly, I would say that I was pressured more by girls than by guys. Girls talk just as much as guys do and my best friends from high school had tons of stories. I don't what the reason for it is, I just know that I did it. A lot. And I don't have a reason for it, but I do have a cure and I have stopped this behavior. It may only be two months, but I haven't never felt better about myself.
This is just one snippet of my weekend. But this is the major event that changed not only my life, but how I am now viewing my relationship with God also. He knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship because I wasn't letting go of my past. He knew I would appreciate a good relationship because I wasn't strong enough for one. I am so amazed at the plans He has for my life, so now I am learning how to see him and hear Him in everything I do.