Friday, March 6, 2009

What I have to confess

I know the reason behind my fog. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. It's all my fault.

The reason my fog got so bad was because I thought I was better. Meaning, I was having so many great days in a row, in fact so many great days in just a few months, I thought I could forgo the medications. Turns out, I can't. I think everyone was right. I'm going to be battling with depression for a long time.

When I was first put on the medicine, I felt completely numb to things. Like my emotions were corralled into a part of my soul I wasn't able to reach. But, after a few months I was able to express the correct emotion when it needed. I was laughing more, smiling more, and getting way much better sleep. I confused these things for getting better. No, the medicine is helping me live my life.

I have gotten so much flack for being on antidepressents. And I think it is unfair. I am a complete basket case on my own. My body is out of whack. It's like if you have a kidney disease do you take medicine for it? Yes. If you have a headache, do you take medicine? Yes. Does anyone ever look down their nose and look at you like you failed for taking it? No. But when you are mentally sick and you take medicine for it, people do those things. I would like to switch them places. So they can see the difference one little pill makes me. I'm not sick, you won't catch it, but I can, again, control it. Luckily some doctor out there understood and gave us this amazing drug therapy. I don't think any less of myself for taking help offered for anything. I have been back on the medicine for three days, and WOW! I see differences in everything I do. My attitude in the classroom, my plans for things, my sleeping patterns. Again, I'm living a life instead of it living itself for me.

So, I confess. I'm on antidepressants and they allow me to be the person you know.

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