I lost my karma.

I bought a necklace two weeks after my dad died last April. It's a Dogeared necklace. It has a silver small circle on a silver ball chain. It's the Karma Power bead. I bought it at The Wooden Nickel in Stillwater the weekend of the Calf-Fry 2008. I love it. It was a symbol of everything I needed to understand at the time. Karma - "What goes around, comes around."

I wear it all the time. It's in all my pictures from the first summer without my dad to the first time I went back to church. It was there when my best friend was baptized and when I dedicated my life to Christ. It has been admired by many friends, students, and babies. It is my nervous tick. When I am thinking heavily about something, nervous, trying to look coy, I reach for my "karma".

I left it twice. Once, at a guy's apartment. Along with many other things. It was the only thing I fought to get back. I called him, asked him about it. Bugged my friend to go get it. And 24 hours later, it was back on my naked neck. The other time, was during the holidays. I left it at my step-mom's house and my sister brought it back to me two days later. Besides those three days, I have always had that necklace.

It rests on my neck, while the significance rests in my heart. It lays on my nightstand while I dream at night. It shines on my vanity while I shower. It is the reason of this blog's title. I joked to my friend the other day about retiring it.

Well, it decided to retire itself. I set it aside at a friend's house over Spring Break and it has disappeared. Trust me, I have looked frantically in every crook and cranny of all of my three bags.

I have lost my "karma".

Is it rude?

Okay, so I e-mailed a lady from OSU about talking to her about pharmacy school two weeks ago. I haven't heard anything back. Would it be terribly rude to call her? Should I be discouraged? I'm trying not to let it get me down, but I can't help it. I had such high hopes and now I feel like her silence is telling me that I'm not going to be good enough for pharmacy school. But that's just silly talk. Right?

What I have to confess

I know the reason behind my fog. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it. It's all my fault.

The reason my fog got so bad was because I thought I was better. Meaning, I was having so many great days in a row, in fact so many great days in just a few months, I thought I could forgo the medications. Turns out, I can't. I think everyone was right. I'm going to be battling with depression for a long time.

When I was first put on the medicine, I felt completely numb to things. Like my emotions were corralled into a part of my soul I wasn't able to reach. But, after a few months I was able to express the correct emotion when it needed. I was laughing more, smiling more, and getting way much better sleep. I confused these things for getting better. No, the medicine is helping me live my life.

I have gotten so much flack for being on antidepressents. And I think it is unfair. I am a complete basket case on my own. My body is out of whack. It's like if you have a kidney disease do you take medicine for it? Yes. If you have a headache, do you take medicine? Yes. Does anyone ever look down their nose and look at you like you failed for taking it? No. But when you are mentally sick and you take medicine for it, people do those things. I would like to switch them places. So they can see the difference one little pill makes me. I'm not sick, you won't catch it, but I can, again, control it. Luckily some doctor out there understood and gave us this amazing drug therapy. I don't think any less of myself for taking help offered for anything. I have been back on the medicine for three days, and WOW! I see differences in everything I do. My attitude in the classroom, my plans for things, my sleeping patterns. Again, I'm living a life instead of it living itself for me.

So, I confess. I'm on antidepressants and they allow me to be the person you know.

New Plan of Attack on Sadness

For the past two days I have been stuck into this huge deep sadness/fog. I don't know what brought it on, but I have a feeling I've been running from it and it finally caught up with me.

These past two months are extremely emotional for me. Just thinking back on what all has happened in the past year. I knew this time was going to be rough so I was really good at keeping busy. Busy enought to not let February 13th bother me. In fact, I was lucky enough to share that horrible day with my besties at the ballet and hanging out. I thought on the 22nd I would be too busy driving to and from Tulsa to keep my mind off what was so important for the day. Well, it didn't work. Being in the car that I had made so many trips to Houston, I was just barely strong enough to not cry so hard that my car was all over the road. But all this running didn't help.

At first the sadness started to seep in when I saw how others in my family dealt with. My step-mom ran away to Michigan, my sister acknowledged the day and said Happy Birthday anyway, my step-sister wrote that she was sad. I just ignored it. At first it felt like I was numb to everything. Then my heart grew heavy, broken in many pieces that just clumped together and added guilt to my soul. I still thought that I could fight it though. I kept perservering to the next task. But, then everything ran out. Exhaustion hit. I felt it grab me by my ankles and start dragging me down. It was so hard to get up in the morning, harder making it through the day, even harder to do anything once I entered my apartment. I just gave into it. I caved. I don't understand how the hollowness I feel inside is so heavy to carry on the outside.

I'm trying to suffer through it. Yesterday I slept for almost twelve hours. I didn't feel any better when I woke up though. I can't sleep through it. So my next tactic is to clean it out. Clean out all the sadness and clutter that is in my life. I'm going to start with my car, move on to my downstairs, my closet, my classroom, and then I'm going to start on the hard clutter. The clutter in my heart and in my life around me. If I'm not getting better by ignoring it, I'm going to try cleaning it. This heartache and sadness might follow me for the rest of my life. Its my responsibilty to confront it and control it.

All the random thoughts......

First, off my chocolate milk from the cafeteria tasted like Kaluha this morning. I kinda dug it.

Okay onto the important things:

Religion - We have been in this True(ish) series for the last three weeks. And it has really spoke to me in many ways. But two things have stuck out more than the others. Such as "If it makes me happy then it must be right" What was said about this statement concerning jobs has stopped me and made me re-examine things. Craig said it bothered him when people said they wanted a new job or to go back to school because they were unhappy in their jobs. I got the impression he doesn't condone this action because when they don't have a plan it will cause more pain in the end. Well, I want to change my job. I do not see myself teaching for the rest of my life. I would like to go back to school and become a pharmacist, what I wanted to do before I changed to teaching. Now, I am putting more and more doubts in my head. Should I stick to teaching because I already have job and I'm making money? What if I become unahppy in pharmacy? What if I fail and can't hack pharmacy school? What if I moved schools, would that change my mind? What if? What if? What if? See, I'm stuck. In a huge teach/pharmacy rut.
The second statement that has stuck with me, is "There is only one path to God." That doesn't sit well with me. I understand that with all the different religions out there, that one has to be correct and they all can't be the right path to God. But what about my individual journey to God? Yes, I acknowledge that it was taken me quite a while to find my way. Also, I know my path is littered on both sides with sin and mistakes that I have made in my past, and some mistakes that I'm still making. But does that mean my path is less important than an individual that found God earlier with far less sin. Also, I am a very reserved person when it comes to praise. Just look at me during the worship. I am standing there, tapping my foot and only mouthing the words to the songs (Trust me, I won't be trying out for American Idol anytime soon). I am in awe of the individuals who can raise their hands, jump up and down, and dance. I just can't bring myself to do those things. Does that mean I don't love God as much as these others? Is my path to God the wrong path because it's taken me so long to get there? I love going to church. I love listening to the discussion about God in my day to day life. I am ready to make God and his teachings the way I live my life. I guess I am just to tainted that I'm not allowed to. And what if I fall off the bandwagon again? Will He lose faith in me? Will He look down at me and just sigh? Will He send my case file to St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes? These thoughts consume me when I leave church. I love going, but I still feel dirty when I'm there. Will I ever become pure in my faith or will my past constantly haunt me? See, so many questions!

Onto things in society that has started to bug me:

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE 8 KIDS?!?!?!
This situation bothers me for several reasons. And I'll comment on the insanity of this situation later.

Matt Lauer's Interview with Obama.
It was on the Today show this morning and I only got to see a little bit of it. I want to know everything about Obama's first 100 days in office. I'm obsessed with it. To me this is history and I'm a huge part of it and my knowledge about his actions and what he thinks about things are extremely interesting to me. I can't help it.

The SuperBowl
I'm a huge sports fan. Huge! But I missed the big game, and I'm not even torn up about it. That's saying something.

OSU Football season tickets.
We aren't renewing my dad's season tickets for the fall. Saying another little good-bye. And this one hurts. Alot. I can't imagine someone else sitting in those seats. My dad has had those since before I started college. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. Losing those seats is losing another part of his life. At least I can still have a shot at Stonewall's for him. That tradition will never die. "You are my daughter, and you will drink." -Dad. I miss you.

Okay, I think I'm done for now.

Where my life is heading....

So, I enjoy teaching. I really do. I have great days and great kids. But most of the days, they exasperate me. I start to think about how I didn't really like high school the first time around, so when did I think it was wise to teach in high school for the rest of my life. I love teaching, but I'm pretty sure I don't like the students. I love the material I teach, but I don't know how to break it down to the even the tiniest bits of information. So, now more than ever, I am convinced that teaching is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm going to seriously persue pharmacy. I started looking into going back to school at the end of last year, but now I'm going to follow in a friend's footsteps and start being more serious about it. I've even started to set goals for myself in applying to schools and taking the PCAT. High school is not where I want to be for the rest of my life. I would rather be working in an area where I feel I am feeling people get better, and some place that be a little bit more appreciative of the work that I put it into the job. Wow, I sound whiny.

I love learning. I know, I'm a huge nerd, but I can't help it. I read science books for fun. I want to constantly be challenged. I want to learn new things that can change the way we live our lives. I don't want to be in a classroom with students who feel superior to me because they started a family SUPER early. I can't deal with the constant disrespect from students and from parents, and even sometimes from administrations. I don't think I'm strong enough to teach. It's a great lay-over job, but just like any other airport traveler, I'm ready to start my next journey and make it home finally.

Okay, I feel better. Off to coach. Now that, I will miss!

Saying little goodbyes

When you lose someone close, everyone has advice they feel the need to give you. Most of it slid in one ear and out the other, but you start to hold on to little bits that might be important later. These pieces are stored away and when your heart feels like you are ready to deal with them, they come about. The two pieces that have come to mind recently through this holiday season is "Saying a big goodbye is actually a lot of little goodbyes" and "time heals all wounds".

We just entered into a brand new year. New beginnings, new loves, new memories, and the first new year that my father wasn't able to see. I didn't mind staying in 2008. I felt like I still had a piece of him with me. He was here for New Years 2008. He got to see my baby sister all dressed up for her 21st. He loved on Valentines Day. He laughed about my Spring Break stories. This year, he wasn't here to ring it in. I didn't think about it, until everyone started to say good-bye to 2008, and I felt like I was saying good-bye to my dad all over again. When I first lost him, I found myself holding on to everything that I had shared with him. Songs we both liked, movies we saw together, discussions we had about current events, and even something as small as sharing life in the same year together. It's very difficult to think that my memories of my dad will now stop with the end of the year 2008. Going into 2009, I am fully going into it without my dad there. And that is scary and heartbreaking at the same time. So while everyone was saying good-bye to 2008, I felt like I was saying just another little good-bye to my father. And that's worse than ringing in the new year completely alone in a room full of people.

This year I know is packed with more little good-byes for me and my sisters to face. I pray for the strength to make it through them and the ability to understand why he was taken from me at such a young age. I also pray for all the people who have recently lost someone. I don't have any new advice, just the understanding and compassion of a person who is still going through it.

So, here's to the lives that we have lost and to the lives that have just started.

Happy 2009 Everyone. Let's live it like it might be our last.